Beatitudes of my life

Being grateful for everything in my life…. no matter what…

Guilt…. what a frustrating emotion March 8, 2012

Filed under: Life Balance,Uncategorized — beatitudesofmylife @ 8:10 am
Tags: , , , , ,

I have to get this off my chest before I leave for my Girls Weekend.  I am frustrated by the power guilt has to influence my actions.  After “taking a stand” and “going on record” that I was going to speak with no one except M, it looks as if I will end up placing a call tonight when I arrive in HH for my weekend.  While it’s only a phone call and it’s just one, it still irks me that I feel that I must make this call after a comment made by someone close to me.

Back-track a bit… my mom is having surgery on Friday next week to have a melanoma removed.  I have been asked to spend the weekend (and a few days ahead of time) to help her through this event.  While it took a bit of juggling, I’ll be going up to PA on Wednesday and then coming home on Sunday, barring any complications.  I do this willingly… she’s my mom… she’d be here trying to help if something were happening with me… I can’t let her go through this alone.

However, she threw a slight detour into my “I’m taking 3 days OFF” plan when she found she needed a procedure done today (Thursday).  I have no way of going up to help her and she emphatically said she didn’t need me for this appointment.  She has friends who are willing and able to help her to and from the appointment and she’s completely sure that everything will be fine.  I’m selfishly glad about this because it means that her problem won’t impact my three days off… however, she expects me to call or to allow her to call me to tell me everything tonight when she gets home. I asked her if she could please just send me an email when she got home to tell me anything and everything she wanted to, but that I just couldn’t talk on the phone.  I needed to take three days for myself before I jump into caretaker mode with her next week.

Does this make me so selfish and such a horrible child for wanting this for myself?  I sent my sister a text to let her know what I was doing and got a reply that made me stop and re-evaluate… “I cannot support this, but you do what you need to.  I love you!”  So I guess I’ll be calling my mom tonight and giving her some of my 3 days off to listen to her story about how the procedure went today.  Guilt, especially family guilt, is a powerful motivator.

Wish me luck…


4 Responses to “Guilt…. what a frustrating emotion”

  1. hartandhome Says:

    Not to be insensitive, but look at it this way…at least you can call and talk to your mom. I feel guilty myself about not always being there when she needed me, and I can’t do anything about it now. What I’d give to be able to just pick up the phone and hear her voice one more time…

    • I can totally understand your take on my post and don’t feel you’re being insensitive at all. I have a hard time giving myself permission to have time “to myself” and I had explained that I was not going to be available to chat while I was out of town this weekend. Knowing that I had let myself off the hook for the call made it easier to pick up the phone just before we turned off I-95 yesterday afternoon to make a quick call to check in with her. She was happy that I checked in and I was glad that I made the call. Have had a few other home-lax-related calls and things that have needed some attention today, but am planning to give “fun” my full attention for the rest of the weekend. I’ll be at my mom’s on Wednesday-Sunday so she’ll have lots of time to tell me about everything then. Sending you love (and thanks) for sharing… and reminding me… ((()))

  2. Laura Z Says:

    I think what is difficult with family guilt is that it is so deeply rooted in our system. Perhaps the comment above mine will help ease your displeasure with taking the call, and allow you to reframe this: you choose to take this call because it is a check in and helps her feel connected to people who care. I do understand and support your desire to turn off the world, and I don’t think it makes you a bad person or a bad child to want that for yourself. Sometimes what we want to do and what we need to do have a small gap. It sounds as if you’ve reconciled this gap. I hope that in time, this incident doesn’t stand out to you as something that took away from your weekend, but instead a gift you were willing to give even in a time when you needed to unplug.

    I myself suffer from multiple forms of family illnesses~I don’t often suffer from guilt, but when I do it is from interactions with them! So I feel ya on that, for sure…hoping her surgery next week goes smoothly. I’m glad you’ll be there for her.

  3. Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy. Norman Vincent Peale

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