Beatitudes of my life

Being grateful for everything in my life…. no matter what…

Thoughts on Letting Go… December 4, 2014

Filed under: Blessings,Friends,Moving,Random Thoughts — beatitudesofmylife @ 3:04 pm
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I’ve never been very good at “letting go”… of things or of people.  Letting go always seemed to be a version of giving up or giving in, and *that* never sat well with me.  I never thought of myself as a quitter, so why should I willingly let go of something or someone in my life?  I don’t think my thought process changed much until this particular move from RVA to Maryland.  letting-go1

I’m starting to accept that there are times when letting go is actually the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.   Spending countless hours trying to figure out what I can do to maintain friendships with people who don’t seem as concerned seems akin to pounding ones’ head against the wall and then wondering why I have a headache.  I believe that friendship isn’t a one-way street.  It is a living and breathing organism that needs to be fed, on a regular basis, in order to maintain any sort of viability.  The most interesting thing that I am learning about friendship is that some are actually able to withstand less “feeding” than others. It seems that some friendships, especially those with whom you have experienced tremendous growth, seem to continue to thrive even with little to no contact… but only if that growth was experienced by both/all parties involved.

That being said, I’m coming to realize that those people who truly want to be a part of my life will always remain a part of my life.  It’s not a question of letting them go or not caring any longer… those people who remain in my life, in any sort of capacity, are those who actually desire to be a part of my life.  These are the friendships that are meant to be nurtured and fed, in whatever degree most comfortable to both.  Some people find it more comfortable to remain on the fringes, playing games on Facebook and occasionally posting a message or offering a prayer regarding the sale of our home.  Others seem to have made the choice to use the “opportunity” of my move to allow a friendship to pass away, whether by choice or because of distance. While I don’t know that I’ll ever be good at “letting go” of a friendship, I have to learn how to be okay with someone’s choice to do so.  After all, isn’t that what friendship is all about…  wanting the best for the other person, as well as for yourself?

As the posted quote says, “Letting go does not mean you stop caring.  It means you stop trying to force others to…”  I really want to learn not to force others to care about a friendship.  While I will give myself permission to mourn that particular loss, but I will not allow that permission to stop me from moving on and letting go.

So, to those of you who have remained a part of my life through our move these past few months, I say a very heartfelt “Thank you”.  Each message, prayer, or gesture, no matter the size, has been appreciated more than I can ever put into words.  There’s nothing like a friend who actually refuses to leave your side, especially when the parameters of the original friendship are tested.  On the flip side, I plan to work harder to be okay allowing other friends to move on with their own lives.  Letting go works both ways and recognizing that can be painfully bittersweet.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we all need to nurture the friendships that are important, but let go of those that aren’t lifting up our souls.   Letting go doesn’t have to be a bad thing… ultimately, I believe that we’ll all be healthier and happier if we surround ourselves with friends who truly care about us.

Wishing each of you the friendships that brighten your day and lighten your soul…especially during this Holiday season.

 

Communication is the key… February 20, 2012

My darling husband just left on travel for a few days and I’m already missing him.  Yes, he’ll only be gone for three days.  Yes, we can talk/text/Facetime throughout his trip.  Yes, this is a great opportunity for him in his work life.  Yes, I have made plans for one of the evenings he’ll be gone.  Even so, I know that I’ll miss him terribly.  It’d kinda pathetic that I will miss him so much, but I also see it as a huge blessing in my life.   He chose me back in 1987… and I see that as the greatest blessing of my life and do my best to honor that choice…

Over our 24 years together, we’ve had times where we’ve been separated for much longer.  When he deployed with the Navy, we got the BEST deal the Navy had to offer in that his deployments lasted 14-17 days at a time and he always landed on land (as opposed to landing on an aircraft carrier with spotty to no communication available).  We were one of “those” couples… the ones that called upon arriving, checked in often while away, and gave ETA’s that were as exact as possible.  Never was there a time when I couldn’t figure out how long it’d be til he was able to call and let me know he was ok.  He flew an EC-130 with the squadron, when they were based at NAS Pax River, MD, and I worked as a Drug Addictions Counselor for an area addictions unit.  We had strange schedules and (imagine this) NO CELL PHONES, so “calls home” were literally calls to home.  I had a pager that I carried for work occasionally, but we made our phone calls a priority, especially when he deployed.  I could never have been one of those women who say, “I have no idea where he is… he’s deployed and I won’t hear from him until he comes home in 2 weeks”.  M and I just don’t function that way.  I could do the “flight math” and know that I should expect a “zero-dark-thirty” call on any given deployment…. it was worth the lack of sleep to know that he was ok.  Maybe that seems co-dependent to some, but as long as it worked for us, that’s all that matters.

Since leaving the military, we’ve had other “travel challenges” over the years.  M had a 3-hour daily commute when we lived in MI at one point, which was pretty rough on both of us, especially in the “pre-cell phone” days.  He’s had various travel assignments for work and we’ve always made our communication a priority.   I know many couples who are comfortable with much less communication, but I believe we learned fairly early in our courtship that we can handle anything life throws at us as long as we’re able to talk with one another.

Being friends first certainly helped our communication with one another, but we were definitely blessed when we quickly recognized how well we “work” as a couple.  Finishing each others’ sentences gave us a clue, but those long phone conversations, when we were first dating, really cemented us in my mind.  I’d never felt so emotionally tied to someone, after such a short time, and it both scared and thrilled me.

The odds really were stacked against us… I was living in MD and M was in flight school in TX when we first started dating.  In our first year together, we lived through my job change and subsequent move home, M’s first duty station assignment, M’s winging, M’s move to Little Rock, AR for training, deciding that this was IT and trying to figure out how to tell our parents, losing my job and searching for something to do, and then helping M move into a temporary place until we could get married and get base housing.  Thinking back on all those events now, I’m reminded that we made it through everything because we continued to talk as often as we possibly could.  M would call when he got back from a functional flight or off duty… I would call when I got to whatever hotel I was living in when working as an Admissions Counselor for Wilson College… we talked about everything and anything, just like we do now.  It was expensive then; there were no cell phone plans with unlimited minutes, but worth every penny.

There are so many people these days who say that they don’t like talking on the phone.  They’d much prefer to text or email than carry on a conversation.  In our case, this simply wouldn’t have worked.  Hearing the nuances in M’s voice can change my response in a heartbeat.  I know how his words sound in my head when I read a text, but that’s not always how he meant for them to sound.

I know that our way of communication isn’t ideal for everyone.  Heck, it’s probably not ideal for many, but it’s exactly the right amount for us.  M has left for a few days of travel, but I know I’ll be able to handle it because I have faith that he’s going to call and text so we can stay connected.   After 24 years together, we both know that we need that connection to make it through the day.  I’ve left a note for him in his backpack that he’ll find shortly.  I’m sure he’ll call and laugh at me for putting it in there, but he’ll have yet another tangible way of knowing that I’ll miss him and that I love him.

Communication, however you make it work in your relationship, is the key.  It may be hard to figure out the balance needed for both of you, but once you do, the rewards are priceless.  I’m married to the man who is my best friend, my better half, and my soul mate… he’s my forever Valentine and I will never stop telling him how much I love him, cherish him, adore him, and appreciate him.

Communication…. that’s what it takes these days…

 

 
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