It’s only been a matter of days in which my world tilted on its’ axis… a mere 134 days. I still have my step-mom (thank God)… I still have my other half/my sister and my wonderful collection of brothers… but my parents are gone. It feels both like forever and yesterday. I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I ever knew, but I’m more vulnerable than I expected. The dichotomy of grieving while continuing to live is not lost on me… but it can be exhausting.
The numbers of days is daunting when listed out:
- 48 days between Mimi’s death and Daddy’s death (12/15/16 & 2/1/17)
- 23 days between Mimi’s death and her funeral (12/15/16 & 1/7/17)
- 25 days between Mimi’s funeral and Daddy’s death (1/7/17 & 2/1/17)
- 15 days between Mimi’s funeral and the last time we saw Daddy (1/7/17 & 1/22/17)
- 10 days between when we saw Daddy and when he died (1/22/17 & 2/1/17)
- 10 days between Daddy’s death and his funeral (2/1/17 & 2/11/17)
- 134 days since Mimi died (to 4/28/17)
I just got back from a cousins weekend at the beach. It was perfect and raw and wonderful and heart-wrenching. There were bittersweet moments when I could envision how much my mom would have been so happy. There were moments that I know would have driven her crazy because getting onto the beach would have truly been a physical ordeal. I also know that I felt the presence of the three Mimi’s (sisters Jody, Jean, and Gwenn) in so many ways throughout the weekend that it was worth everything to be present.
I’m reading a lot lately about grief and how others travel this journey. The kind messages, comments, and shared information mean so much… to know that others are willing to take a moment to simply say “I’m sorry” can be humbling and touching. Thank you for caring… and for reaching out to me in whatever way works.
I’ve learned to surround myself with good people and am more grateful for every positive experience than ever before. Seeing the impact that each of my parents had on their individual worlds has given me insight into the kind of impact that I want to make in my own world. I intend to be more deliberate about those things on which I spend my time. I want to do things that either bring me joy or allow me to give joy to others.
If the life and death of each of my parents teaches me anything, it’s that I need to choose how and where I spend my life. My God, my husband, my children, and my family… these are my beatitudes… these are my blessings… these are where I will spend my days.
May you find ways to fill your own days with joy….